No more need for tears. I’ve found my focus.
Sometimes we humans create and work towards goals just to keep our minds engaged and to keep ourselves focussed on things we feel we do have a level of control over. Focussing and working towards achieving things we feel that we can actually attain gives our minds a rest from the hurt and seeming hopelessness of those things we have no power to change… We figure, “At least I can move forward in some way.” And the truth is it helps, because we ultimately do move towards something… Anything.
But here’s why I hadn’t truly yet shed the tear and found the focus: I was proud of my races but had no one waiting or cheering for me at the finish. I made food for myself but had no one to share my meals with. I had ideas for all sorts of creative activities but had no one to see enjoy them when I was done. I could think of a ton of fun things I wanted to do and try but had friends too far away to enjoy them with.
But I finally understood the very simple missing piece: I needed to reach out to the people I already had in my life and create connections to even more. And that doesn’t mean that I’m needy. It just means that I’m full of love. Love for my family, love for my friends, love for happiness and love for life. I like to share my life and I like to live it in many different directions at once because it makes me feel, hectic, happy and fulfilled. I need to have adventures to look forward to, even if the adventure is one that I’ve had a million times before.
The reality is, I already had tons of people to share my life with, and I’m meeting more and creating friendships with others to share it with further… and, hopefully, I’ll find that one specific person I’m looking for soon. 🙂 ❤
I’m really grateful for having such an amazing, loving family. The older I get, the more I realize how much they mean to me. Without my family I would be nothing. They are my backbone, my support and my teachers. It goes without saying that I am grateful for them 365. I can overcome anything and achieve anything with them by my side, and one day I will create a family of my own. 🙂
I had a session with one of my favorite little 8 y.o. munchkins this week. He continues to struggle with controlling his temper in the classroom so we were reviewing some of the techniques I had taught him on how to manage his anger. After some brainstorming, his very animated little face only winced and glanced up to the ceiling as he claimed that he could only remember “deep breathing.”
I was starting to breath deeply myself as I became more and more frustrated thinking about his continued crying spells and temper tantrums despite our weekly sessions. I decided to change the topic of discussion completely and asked him to share about his cub scouts pack as this is something he really seems to enjoy (I was digging for clues on things I could use to incentivize him.)
Well, this little munchkin had PLENTY to share about cub scouts. Namely that his pack leader had taught him a lot of really cool words in sign language and he preceded to show me: This is “more”, “water”, “thirsty”, “mom”, “sweet”, and “I love you.” As I praised him for how amazing he was for having learned so many words, he interrupted me…. “Ms. Cristina, (I love you in sign language).”
Well, at this I was completely floored and reciprocated the sign and told him I loved him too (with a huge cheesy grin on my face, I might add)…. Then he interrupted me again… “No but, Ms. Cristina (I love you more in sign language)”
Well, a little piece of me just about died. I completely forgot about his coughing and runny nose (he was just getting over a cold as children so frequently are) and I extended my arms for a hug only to have him give me the most heart-felt squeeze ever. How can you beat that?! (sigh) Made my school-year.
Today, I struggled to help children at the school where I work who recently and lost their mother. As I sat with them in my office, I thought about my relationship with my own mother and where I would be without her. She drives me CRAZY… but I am thankful to have her in my life. In fact, I am doubly lucky because I also have an amazing step-mom who loves me dearly. And, although she was not yet part of my life while I was growing up, I feel as though I’ve known her forever.
Mothers and maternal figures are so important to our development as children and our continued growth as adults. Yes, they may be opinionated, over-bearing, controlling, hormonal and frequently exhibit behaviors very similar to the symptoms of bipolar disorder but, … we should cherish every moment we have with them here on earth.